i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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