he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
