god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
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just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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