Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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