The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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