all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
