Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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