the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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