Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
