the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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