I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
