i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
