Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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