I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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