Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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