Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
