This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
