I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
where are my eyebrows?
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