this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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