I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
