i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
