i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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