Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
