I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
