I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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