he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
