Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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