I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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