I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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