What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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