its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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