I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
