I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
