I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
