well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
