I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
