WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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