Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
