she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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