and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
