Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
