You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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