My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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