woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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