I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
