I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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