the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
