the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
