if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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