Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
