I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
