i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
