well I can't set my house on fire every night
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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