Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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