i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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