you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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